What haven’t we talked about yet?
Aaron Siskind — Terrors and Pleasures of Levitation #63, 1962
I want to share an insight with you from a lesser-known part of my work. Over the years, I've supported a number of brilliant, ambitious, and wonderful people in creating incredible partnership in their lives. It's something I absolutely love to do.
I've seen people through love after divorce, first dates, engagement, moving in, break-ups, elopement, marriage, becoming parents, and more.
Quite often, our starting point looks like this: Deep down, they ache to love and be loved wholly in partnership — and, they're afraid to admit it, so they bury their desire under other priorities (typically work). As a result, it gets little to no attention.
I love to draw this desire out. Sometimes, I'll ask a question like: "What's deeply important to you that we haven't discussed yet? It might feel embarrassing, hard to admit or speak about, or less critical than work. And, you know you'll regret getting to the end of this year without addressing it.”
Every so often, what comes back is: I want to be in love.
Recently, I've coached a few extraordinary people on this very topic. A big-hearted woman who advises top brands globally. A high-integrity man who was formerly a professional athlete. An AI researcher with a gift for nurturing deep, meaningful friendships.
And our work always starts with congruence: being clear, honest, and specific about what they really want — and how much they want it. Not hiding behind “I'm too busy", “I'm good", or whatever else out of fear.
In love and all other aspects of life, masking our true desires puts us at odds with ourselves and sends mixed signals to others.
Mixed signals are confusing. They wave people in with one hand, while keeping them at bay with the other. I've rarely seen this lead to the kind of relationships that my clients really want.
Covering up your desire can protect you from hurt and disappointment. The irony is, it also creates it — because you're saying no to yourself, even before anyone else (or the universe) can.
It can feel scary to let your guard down.
And, if you want available, you have to be available.
Love,
Levina
